Tuesday, February 14, 2006


Today I learned a once good friend of mine's mother passed away from cancer this week. She and I had some differences between us, which are still really unidentifiable - only it appears that we both felt betrayed by the other in some way. I learned her mom was sick a few months before she and I stopped talking. Deep seated issues can make you so cross-eyed, that you fail to see what's really important about friendship. What's important is being there for your true friends.

Not only am I saddened by her loss, because she and her mom were best friends, but I feel a heavy burden on my shoulders for not being there for my friend. Many times, I have questioned whether I could reconcile - take the higher ground. All the time I came back with the answer that there can't be forgiveness when both parties have not made amends and taken responsibility for their actions. Neither one of us came out the white horse.

Still...I am feeling her pain and my own pain and I am really sad.

I asked a mutal friend we have in common to give her my condolensces. He told me that'd it be best if they came from me. So I called, got her voicemail, and left a message - through small sobs. I sat in my cubicle for about 30 minutes and cried to myself.

I realized that I am crying, not only for this tragedy but I am crying for my loss of friendship, a casualty to the weight of my pride. And by extension, I began to cry about my "strength" and my ability to "self-preserve" by-any-means-necessary.

Even though life hurts sometimes, isolating the things that hurt you can come back to hurt you even more - in this situation, my ability to adjust to life without people who I was once really close with is only temporary solution - A SLEEPING GIANT...

*damn, that's hella perspective*


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm sorry about the loss of your family friend. Keep the olive branch extended. Now that we are all grown up, we can each step back and take a look at things, putting them into perspective from a broader point of view. I'd be willing to bet that when your friend hears your voice, she too will cry knowing that no matter what went down between you two, you still had love for her and were concerned about her feelings. You may have already lifted layer #1 of this great burden :) Lendell

5:07 PM  
Blogger Cocacy said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Trust me, you did the right thing by extending your condolences personally to your friend if only through voicemail. I have had several freinds whose mothers have passed and they have all told me that they really found out who their friends were when the tragedy occured. Many people made inappropraite comments, were unavailable or just simply dropped out of the picture. Its definitely best to extend yourself to her like you did and let her know that she is in your thoughts and prayers. God Bless.


10:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

it's amazing how much we can grow from the unexpected...i agree with the previous posts and believe that even if your friendship isn't reconciled, there is level of respect and appreciation that will take place because of you reaching out to your friend in her time of need. And I think that it has probably helped you start to heal also. You definitely have made me think about some past friendships and hurts and put some things in perspective...maybe some things aren't as big as what they seem.


3:35 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"damn, this is hella perspective"
The loss of a true friendship IS a tragedy, but one asks the question, "what is a true friendship?" Do you define your relationship with this person a TRUE friendship as you put it. A true friendship is one that regardless of anything that takes place you are able to reconcile. Pride should not be an issue at any point. Everyone has some level of pride, but when someone is going through the painful journey of a family member struggling with an chronic illness everything becomes a blur, including friends. It takes the persistence of TRUE friends to provide support for their friend. The pain of losing or possibly losing your mother and best friend can cripple most people. Others may become emotionally isolated. I don't know what took place in this situation, but it seems as though you were truly selfish when it came to reaching out to your TRUE friend. If this were your true friend, your pride would not be an issue. You would understand that your friend is in pain and make somewhat of an attempt to forgive and forget regardless of what took place. This is difficult to do, but it takes a selfless and caring person to do something so unselfish. I would ask the question, how many true friends do you have? From what I can tell from this blog is that you are indicating how important your feelings are as opposed to your alleged true friend. Do you even know how she feels? Take the time to ask yourself, was this friend there for you in your time of need or crisis, which everyone has? There are times in all of our lives when we need the comfort and solace of someone who understands completely, and for some reason, continues to help us when we are at our worst, perhaps even exhausting them. You have to understand that feelings of anger, frustration, sadness, and being overwhelmed can alter a friendship, but it takes understanding and effort to overlook these things. To me, a true friend understands. Not the kinds that say they will be there for you and then are purposely. They are the kind that say they’ll be there, then are, and amaze you with how devoted they really are. Going through a time of crisis reveals who your real friends are. But your real, true, friends are the ones who come through with flying colors, when you do not even have to ask. I realize that an attempt to contact your friend was quite difficult given the circumstances, but one call and a voicemail to me is simply not enough for a TRUE FRIEND who is mourning the loss or possible loss of a mother and best friend. I do not mean to seem harsh, but I am putting this into Perspective. If I were your alleged TRUE FRIEND, I would feel disappointed and somewhat betrayed that at this time of need and pain you put your feelings ahead of mine and could not go out of your way, putting 110% into being there for your friend. If the reasons for the fallen out are unidentifiable, what is holding you back. How would you feel if your mother was on her deathbed and ended up passing away, but your true friend did not go out of her way to make you feel supported and loved. Reflect on this as it might save or preserve some true friendships that you currently have. Just a thought....

12:43 AM  

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