Introducing...The Fly On The Wall

My roomate doubles as my stylist - she's pretty effing good at it too, but her real passion is writing. So to marry our two world together, I've asked her to try and post once a week about her world and the experiences she has (we are both out here trying to make our dreams a reality) while sprinkling her two cents on fashion faux-pas and yes mahs! Below is her first entry - from her on out she is known as THE FLY ON THE WALL (profile coming soon.)

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the fly on the wall presents...

entry 1: december 12, 2005

growing up is hard to do...

how old is too old to throw a tantrum? a colorado state university study states that “tantrums typically appear at the age of 2 or 3 and start to decline by 4.” if by “decline” they mean increase, then, yes, that is true. because today, my own studies showed that tantrums are at their peak between the ages of 32 and 40. really! if you don’t believe me, try parking at a popular specialty grocery store on a sunday afternoon (see: elle b. blog 11/27/2005). or delaying a cranky bunch of paying gym members from their 5am workout. pre-coffee, pre-10am meeting, pre-making other people’s life a living hell...they rely on their daily cup of cardio-joe – extra hot, no cream. and apparently, no manners either. let me provide the data that has led me to this conclusion:

4:45am: i arrive to work at the fit.club to cover a 2-hour shift. should be a simple, fairly smooth morning right? except for the fact that the gate to the parking garage is locked and members are expected to start trickling in soon.

4:50am: members are trickling in, and they are NOT happy. how do i know? one woman says to me, “i am NOT happy.” uh, ok. here’s a cookie, sit over there and i’ll let you know when i have done everything in my power to make you happy again.

4:52am: i call the front desk manager and, SURPRISE, he’s not answering. well, hell, neither would i. it’s 4:52 in the friggin morning and, come to think of it, why is anyone awake at all?

4:57am: and the show must go on. i park my car near the gate and walk off to the gym to open it up for business, as members look on in despair.

5:05am: the 3 or 4 sharper pencils in the bunch find parking down the street while the rest of the dull points call back to back, parked on the street, hazard lights blinking, to let me know that the gate is locked. REALLY? “can you open the gate?” one member asks. i shut my eyes tight and wiggle my nose. nothing. “nope, i guess not.”

did i mention that i worked a TWO hours shift? luckily this only went on for about an hour of the two, during which one member requested that the club pay for her “salary” if she is late to work. hmm, really? your SALARY. still thinking. ok, no. i offered her a lollipop instead and she walked away fairly satisfied.

i mean, how old IS too old to throw a tantrum. apparently, we’ve had it all wrong for years and the “terrible-twos” in fact refers to the population over the AGE of two. so if that’s you, fortunately there are ways to identify if you are suffering from uncontrollable idiotic, ridiculously irrational outbursts. when life just aint goin right (i.e. starbucks gives you a latte when you ordered a cappuccino; need quarters for the meter and all you have are pennies; starbucks gives you a cappuccino when you ordered a latte; intern goes MIA and you need a copy – yes, an uncomplicated task, but what are you NOT paying them for, right?), are you:

• Kicking, hitting, biting, scratching, hair pulling, or pinching other people?
• Throwing or breaking things?
• Head-banging or inflicting self-injury?

if so, you are suffering from the symptoms that WebMD lists under the condition commonly known as Temper Tantrums. in my professional experience, i add to the list:

• Bein a bitch.
• Bein a punkass bitch.
• Bein a oldass punkass bitch.

come on people! let’s get it together and realize that the world does NOT revolve around us and these simple (and i mean SIMPLE) so-called tragedies. stop, think, take a deep breath and move the fuck on. if all else fails, do as the two-year-olds do and take a fuckin nap....say, tomorrow at 5am?

*fashion ban of the day: salmon-pink cordoroy pants...matter-of-fact, cordoroy pants (too much fabric-abuse goin on).